Captive
by Seshennu
Summary: A sudden turn of events leaves L as Light's prisoner. Light is determined to rip L's name from him, even if it means bringing him an inch away from death in the process. Some disturbing content, onesided Light x L.
1. Part One

Disclaimer: Death Note is property of Ooba Tsugumi and Obata Takeshi.

Important: Please tell me if this is the worst fic you've ever read - I need to know so I can try to improve.

Author's Notes: This fic is complete with three parts, the second containing mature and in some cases, disturbing content including forced starvation and creepy, one-sided, non-con Light x L mind-fuckery. No sex anywhere. If these things disturb you, please don't read this.

Notes Squared: This fic is set after Light enters college, but before Misa. Unfortunately, for this fic to work, Misa doesn't exist. D: Shame, because she's one of my favorite characters.

* * *

Captive  
-Seshennu

PART ONE

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. - ?

Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations to come, to savor to the last tooth some morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back - in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you. - Frederick Buechner

* * *

And Light marveled at the figure below him and sneered and said so much with no words at all, but rather in gasped breaths and a smirk that only grew in malice, as he took his hand and wiped a thin trickle of blood off his chin. 

He strode confidently, closing the short distance between him and the figure that was L on the ground. Light listened to the sound of their breathing - ragged, short gasps as each tried to regain control of their bodies. Quickly, he brought up his leg and was first disappointed that the heel of his shoe hadn't connected with L's neck with a _crack_ that would have been _so_ satisfying, and second wondered how L still had strength and speed enough to grab his ankle and pull him down.

Light fell ungracefully to the ground, sharp pebbles digging at his palms. _Bastard_, he hissed through clenched teeth as he hastily dodged the better force of L's kick to his ribs. He staggered upwards as his right hand briefly clutched at his side. In seconds they rushed forward, fighting at full-force again - Light's punches fueled with hell-fire, L's movements fluid and dangerous as a tsunami.

And he _would_ win, he was sure of it. He could sense, rather than see, his opponent grow just a little bit weaker and was _sure_ that this last blow would be the end of it. Then L would dodge as though he knew _maybe he did_ it was coming and strike back with an unexpected flurry of jabs that sent Light into a hurried backwards pace, and finished with a surprisingly high kick that landed on Light's jaw.

As the explosion of colored lights faded from Light's vision, he _knew_. He knew he would walk away from this, head held high as the victor. The thought made him laugh. At a safe distance away, he saw L standing; waiting.

"Well?" Light asked, not yet moving to get up. "Well? Is that all?"

Distorted through heavy breaths and a thumb, L answered, "I'm not entirely sure what you're asking."

Standing up carefully, Light said, "I know you can hit harder than that. You can easily kill me. So do it."

Biting, _gnawing_ at his thumb, L said slowly, "I don't want to kill you, Light-kun."

Light laughed again, the sound both mad and maddening. "Then," he started with an innocent smile that was a terrifying contrast to everything about him. "Then come kill Kira." He laughed as L's large eyes widened further, a thin line of blood slipping down his thumb as the zealous biting stopped abruptly. "Can you do it?"

He rushed L again, not surprised that his attack was dodged, but delighted that L's reaction time was noticeably slower. Even as he swung his leg in a furious arc towards Light's torso, his eyes were more distant than usual, his thoughts distracting him. And briefly, when Light had regained the offense, L's eyes flashed with a hint of fear.

Satisfied with this, Light drew up his knee hard between L's legs, wishing he could enjoy the shock and pain that washed over his face.

"Dirty," L grunted as he pulled himself out of the curled position he'd fallen into.

"It was," Light responded as he moved to L. "I'm disappointed with myself for having to resort to such tactics."

L managed to get himself into his preferred sitting position just in time to calculate that no, he couldn't dodge the metal pipe aimed at his head.


	2. Part Two

Author's Notes: This chapter contains mature and in some cases, disturbing content including forced starvation and creepy, one-sided, non-con Light x L mind-fuckery. No sex anywhere. If these things disturb you, please don't read this.

* * *

Captive  
-Seshennu

PART TWO

Feel it hold you  
Take you under  
I'm your god of second chance  
-Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Beethoven's Last Night, Mephistopheles

And now you claim you are not prepared  
So much to do you cannot be spared  
Still your entreaties death will not hear  
-Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Beethoven's Last Night, Mephistopheles

* * *

And L woke to the feeling that his head was slowly being ripped in two, and a faint but growing numbness in his feet, and the sound of thick, heavy tape ripping. "Don't you think," he started, words coming out painfully. "That this is a bit excessive?" On 'this' he nodded his head towards the jumble of ropes and duct tape that bound him to the chair. 

"For you?" Light laughed. "Not a chance."

"My _fingers _are taped together."

"Don't pout," Light said as he placed a final strip over L's mouth and walked away. As he reached a door on the right wall, he said casually over his shoulder, "I'll be back in a few hours." With that, he exited, and a moment later L heard several distinctive _clicks_ as he was locked in.

Not wasting a moment, he tugged his arms and legs experimentally and found he had virtually no range of movement lower than his shoulders. After a few more minutes of this, and finding that the numbness was spreading up his legs as well, he resigned himself to committing every inch of the room to memory.

A bare stone floor and what looked like concrete walls filled most of his vision. There were no windows, so chances were high that he was underground. His chair was placed diagonally in the corner, and across from him was a chair and a bare desk. Situated near the desk, on the wall L's left hand was closest to, was a small televison on an equally small table. Finally, a pretty but ultimately uninteresting plant sat in L's right-hand corner.

In short, it was a frightfully dull room. Seeing no immediate action he could take, L turned his mind to a more important task - thinking.

.X.

True to his word, Light returned to the room later that day. _Six hours, eighteen minutes, _L's brain supplied for him. Light placed a large plastic bag on the ground, and what appeared to be a laptop carrying case on the desk, then walked to L to check his bonds. When he found them to be secure, he brought the bag and chair to L.

From the bag he pulled a cheap plastic folding table which he set up in front of L. His own chair was placed directly across from him. As he sat down, he clasped his hands in front of him, eyes seeming to bore into L's own. After a time, Light laughed merrily. Despite what L hoped was a questioning gaze, Light gave no explanation.

He instead reached down into the bag and pulled out a covered styrofoam cup and three large bottles of water. These were placed on the table top before Light reached over and peeled off the tape covering L's mouth. "Better?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer he turned his attention to the water. He held a now-opened bottle to L's mouth. "Drink. You need to by now."

A moment passed before L leaned his head to the bottle. He drank slowly. "Why didn't you kill me then?" he asked when the bottle left his lips.

Light sat aside the empty bottle. "It would be quite messy that way," he began as he turned L's head to the side, inspecting the injury. "This is mess enough, really. Besides, it's not my style. And since I have you here, all I really need is your name."

L watched him carefully.

"But we'll get into that later," he grinned. "Right now, I'm hungry." He uncovered the styrofoam cup and took a spoon from his coat pocket, eating his stew slowly; deliberately. "Feel free," he said when he was nearly finished. "To ask any questions you may have."

L searched Light's face, finding nothing that he hadn't seen many times before. Finally, "I will require a restroom shortly."

The teen blinked. "...Yes. Of course," he said at last.

.X.

Thirty minutes later, after untaping, adjusting, taping, untying, adjusting and retying L in such a way that he could be led in an awkward shuffle to the bathroom adjacent to the room they were in, and then returning only to repeat the process in reverse, the two were comfortable enough to continue scrutinizing each other.

"This is," L began as Light cleaned up his dinner. "Rather strange. These actions are completely different from any Kira has taken in the past."

"I did act impulsively," Light said casually.

"No. This was planned. Saying otherwise insults us both."

Light grinned childishly at him over his shoulder as he brought his chair to the desk. "You're right, of course," he said as he pulled a slim laptop from the case and set it up. "I suppose there's no point in avoiding it, is there? I am Kira, as you've suspected. And _you_, L, will die at my hand."

Eyes still locked onto Light's face, L asked, "Would Light-kun prefer to be called Kira, then?"

Light shrugged. "I don't care for that name much, but the choice is yours."

After a moment, "I still believe that Kira's sudden change in tactics is significant. Perhaps he was feeling desperate. It is, after all, crude and sloppy."

Light's expression hardened and he shut the laptop. L could see Light's hands twitch slightly with the motion. "It is different. But crude? Sloppy?" His voice trembled with barely contained rage. "Don't equate the actions of a god with those of a common criminal."

"God?!" L's eyes widened.

"Yes. Using the Death Note I can cast judgement on the sinners plaguing this world. Eventually only the good, pure people will remain. Surely you realize what a wonderful world that will be."

L stored away the words 'Death Note' and said, "You yourself said Kira's actions were those of a child. 'Killing to stop killing?' There's no such thing. You kill indiscriminately for a pipe-dream that will never be realized. _Surely, Light-kun_ realizes this."

The teen grimaced. "Only the wicked have died. I have never 'killed indiscriminately' as you say."

"Were the FBI agents wicked? You've killed even suspects of minor crimes. _Kira_ is _no god._ Kira is nothing more than a dictator who kills anyone who disagrees with him."

"Those who oppose Kira oppose the very _idea_ of a perfect world. They would have it stay the way it is!" Light yelled, leaping out of his chair. L saw Light's jaw clench as he switched on the television. "Just watch, L. You'll see _I'm right_."

_"- the fire, which killed a family of five, is believed to have been started by serial arson Mazaki Izumi, who had just today escaped from prison-"_

"There!" Light produced a thin black notebook from somewhere on his person as the criminal's image appeared on the screen. He quickly wrote something within its pages, and when finished turned the book towards L.

"'Death Note,'" he read. "Kira's murder weapon is... a notebook?"

Light smiled, flipping to a previous page. "This is where I'll write your name, L," he tapped the center of the page, the only area not covered with names. "And I'll be right here to watch it."

L stared grimly at the page. "Kira's plan won't work if he doesn't know my name."

"That's true, L. But eventually I'll have to be rid of you. The only difference will be how much I enjoy it in the end." That said, he turned his attention to the news program, occasionally jotting down a name in the black book.

"Kira enjoys what he does. He finds it a noble pursuit," L stated. Not waiting for a response he added, "But will Light-kun enjoy taking a life with his own hands? When he sees the blood on his hands, will he ever be able to wash it all off?"

Light spoke no words, but gave another innocent, child-like smile that made the hairs on the back of L's neck stand straight.

.X.

The next four nights went much the same, though Light answered few questions outside of the goings-on of his day and health. Light would smirk, and answer "I can't complain." He would leave soon after the news had ended or, his blood lust not yet satiated, after searching for criminal's names on the internet. He'd return at what L could guess was eleven-thirty or so to awkwardly shuffle L to the restroom to relieve himself and give him fresh water.

"I might bring you a nice last meal," Light said as he ate a thin slice of cheesecake far too slowly. "If you tell me your name today. Perhaps I'll even find some of those German chocolates you seem to like."

And to eat in front of him. Each day brought a different meal or dessert, each smelling sweeter and more apetizing than the last. As his stomach rumbled, L said clearly, "Kira is a murderer and now a torturer. Is this how Light-kun wishes to be remembered?"

.X.

On the sixth night, as Light changed the small bandages insufficiently covering L's wound - the last thing Light would do before leaving L alone in the room until the following day - L saw an apple disappear in three swift bites, and he wondered if he had suffered more trauma from the blow than he'd previously thought.

Light pressed a cloth coated with peroxide to the wound, his other hand holding L's head in place. Uncomfortable with the combined contact and silence, L asked again, "Why haven't you killed me yet? You're in the perfect position to do so. What's stopping you?"

"You really mean, 'why haven't you _murdered_ me?' I've never murdered anyone, L, and I don't plan on starting. I've executed those who were guilty, yes, but it's no different from a judge passing a sentence. The reason you haven't died yet is because you stubbornly refuse to give me your name."

"...Is that really all?"

As he removed the cloth he asked, "What other reason could there be?" with a sincerity that gave L a sudden chill.

.X.

On the seventh night L's hunger and frustrations finally got the better of him.

"You foolish _child_," he spat, voice thick from lack of sleep. "You're no better than the murderers you kill. Such stupidity," he muttered. "That brain of yours is wasted in you."

Both of their eyes screamed hatred at the other until finally Light stood, gathered his things and left, locking the door behind him. For the first time, the lights in L's room went out completely, leaving him in total darkness.

.X.

On the eigth night, Light did not come.

.X.

On the ninth night, Light stormed into the room in a rage, door slamming hard against the wall. The sudden brightness of the lights made L flinch and squeeze his eyes shut tight. He heard Light throw his bag into one of the far corners of the room, heard him stomp his way to L, and felt him roughly tugging at the bonds holding him down.

After a very much needed shuffle to the bathroom and rerestraining, L asked, "Water?" A sharp whack to the injured side of his head was his answer.

"Shut up," Light growled as he slammed a few large water bottles onto the flimsy table, tossing a straw in each. He stormed to the television as L bent and squirmed until his lips reached the first straw - a difficult task, but still manageable. As the news played, each criminal's name, regardless of the severity of their crime, was fiercly carved into the pages of the Death Note. When the news ended, Light switched his attention to the laptop, jotting down still more names. As time passed, his fury seemed to recede and the flood of names became a trickle.

When it stopped completely, Light cleared the four empty water bottles off the table and set a small lunch bag on top of it. "Kira had a bad day?" L asked. Receiveing no response, he added, "Does Light-kun want to talk about it?"

"No."

L's stomach turned violently as he watched Light bite into a large sandwich. Trying to turn his attention away from his hunger, he asked, "How many criminals did Kira kill tonight?"

"Fourty-eight."

"...There always seem to be more, doesn't there, Light-kun?"

Light stopped eating and glared coldly at L. With a sudden ferocity, he punched him. He grabbed the front of L's shirt and pulled forward. The ropes and thick tape dug into his skin with the motion. And for this one moment, Light seemed completely feral. L shivered, though whether from fear or hunger, even he couldn't tell. Light released his grip on him and left the same way he entered, the door echoing loudly behind him.

"...Light-kun has left me dinner. How fortunate." He stretched himself painfully, snapping at the plate until he somehow, miraculously, managed to pull it closer. His teeth had barely grazed the bread when the door slammed open once more and the plate was ripped away. A new piece of tape covered his mouth and Light left for a second time, locking the door, turning off the lights.

In pitch blackness L awkardly chewed the paper strip that had ripped off the plate when Light took it away.

.X.

The eleventh day, L woke to the smell of freshly cooked food. He opened his eyes slightly and saw that directly under his nose was a bite sized piece of chicken. The meat was shoved into his mouth and he swallowed it whole. His eyes opened wide and he saw Light glaring at him, eyes burning with hatred as he broke off another piece of meat and forced it into L's mouth and it tasted _good_, so _good_ and it was better than any sugars and sweets and Light kept glaring at him with feral Kira-eyes burning and lips forming "I hate you and I'll kill you I'm killing you slow and you _failed_ L, you _failed_ I'm watching you die and it's _wonderful_ we can watch your failure together you little _bastard_ I'm going to _laugh_ you're going to _die here_ alone and cold and hungry and dirty and they'll _never find your body do you hear me you bastard_?" and he didn't care because there was _food_ and he woke up with pains that made him whimper through grit teeth and eyes water through tightly shut lids in the pitch black, ice cold cell that would be his tomb.

.X.

The day after that day, and for the past bunch of days as well, Light had come in Kira-mad, and L wasn't sure when he was asleep anymore because when he was asleep he dreamt painful, vivid dreams and when he was awake he saw floating, vanishing apples and heard Light talking to himself and either way his stomach _hurt_.

.X.

Some other day, when Light came in considerably more cheerful than he had in the past, when he took the tape off L's mouth, L muttered, "I'm a bit too tired for conversation tonight, Light-kun," and remained in a cloudy, trance-like state for the rest of the evening.

.X.

A different day, possibly the next, L woke suddenly from a deep sleep and said, "Kira hates L." He received no answer and thought to clarify. "Light-kun, Kira hates L, that is quite obvious, correct? ...Light-kun?"

When Light arrived, L asked again, "Light-kun, your Kira hates L, correct?"

When Light arrived, and isn't the third time the charm?, L asked again, "Kira hates me?" This time he received an amused "yes."

"Then," he said slowly. "Then perhaps, if Kira learns L's name... Would Kira stop killing people if he learned it?"

And between laughs, "no."

.X.

"You're suffering, L," he said.

L looked at him, and didn't see the angry eyes of the feral Kira-beast.

.X.

He thought it was still the same day, but he'd been drifting in and out of this not-sleep for so long he didn't know anymore. That terrified him as much as, perhaps even _more_ than his nearing death. He felt it creeping closer with each painful twist.

He looked up and saw Light still there and asked, "Can I have aspirin?"

Light glanced at him from his laptop, the Note surprisingly not in sight, and said, "No." After a moment he continued, "You haven't eaten in quite some time, it'd just upset your stomach. And I really don't feel like cleaning your vomit."

.X.

"It's healed quite well, given the circumstances," Light said as he inspected L's head. His fingers pressed lightly on the area. "Does this hurt?"

"No."

"Now?" he pressed harder.

"No."

A smug smile appeared on his face as he brushed L's hair back into place. He turned L's head toward him and brushed his fingers over a still-fading bruise covering L's left eye. "This is taking it's time, though. Does it hurt?" he asked as he pressed the area under his eye.

"Now, yes." He shivered, not for the first time, and since the times where Light came so close and inspected his injuries were the times the Kira-thoughts were farthest from him, he decided to chance it. "Can I have a blanket?" he asked wearily.

"...Perhaps tomorrow."

.X.

Tomorrow came and went without a blanket, though Light did spend a surprising amount of time sitting at the small table chatting occasionally, while L gave a half-hearted nod or "hm" every few moments.

.X.

He dreamt that there was a feast set out on the small table, and that Light allowed him to eat it slowly. He couldn't quite remember what it was when he woke, but he thought he could recall a sandwich with meat and vegetables and cheese. And apple slices, too, but not in the sandwich. He couldn't quite remember the look on Light's face as he ate or as he untaped the fingers of one hand, but he did remember the painful, burning sensation that came as the blood reentered them - Light rarely untaped them, after all. He didn't remember what the food tasted like, and he couldn't recall if the food has touched his tongue long enough to be tasted in the first place.

All he knew for sure was that when he woke up, the lights were on, Light was gone, and his stomach was strangely peaceful. And a thin, cotton blanket left only his head and feet uncovered.

.X.

"What have you been telling them about where you've been going every night?" he asked as Light wrote in the Death Note.

"Since I come here so late, most of the time they don't know. When they do notice, it's usually that I'm going to a study group, or some other nonsense. They _do_ want me to suceed in college, after all."

"Hm."

.X.

"How long do you plan on keeping this up?" Light asked. "One small meal isn't enough to keep you alive for very long. No doubt your hunger pains have returned by now." He pressed down on the area around L's eye. "This is annoying. I can't tell how much of this blackness is bruise and how much is from lack of sleep."

"It doesn't hurt," L offered.

"Insomnia, then," Light muttered to himself.

As he toyed with L's hair, L noticed that Light seemed lost in thought. Even while commenting on the injuries L was sure had fully healed by now, the teen seemed distant.

"Why does Kira hate me?"

"We've discussed this, and the answer remains the same. You oppose me, and through me my vision. Why do _you _make such a distinction between 'Light' and 'Kira'?"

"I have noticed a certain separation between the two at times. It's startling."

Light briefly stopped fussing with L's hair. "There's only one of me, L."

A silence uncomfortable only to L soon followed. "I have no doubt I would have died by now if you hadn't interviened. Isn't that what Kira wants?"

"It's what _I_ want, L. But we've discussed this as well. I'm no murderer."

"You purposefully bring about the deaths of others."

"For the betterment of humanity."

"It's childish."

"You'll see one day, L. I'll achieve my perfect world and you'll look at it and _know _I was right all along."

"You plan on keeping my alive that long?"

"It shouldn't take very long to achieve, I've -"

"You've had infinite opportunites to kill me. I'm a liability, you need me dead. Yet you don't make any attempts. On the contrary, you've made an effort to _increase _my lifespan, even if only by a few days. Killing me doesn't neccessarily have to be with a knife or gun. You could have left me in here with no water for days, or hired someone else to do what you couldn't. But you haven't.

"What is it that's keeping you from finishing this, Light-kun? You can't do it, can you? You can't bring yourself to put blood on your _own _hands. Killing by writing a name... Sitting behind a desk or in an armchair... You won't be able to see a look of pain, hear a dying gasp... Taking the single, twisted shred of humanity out of murder.

"A name and face means nothing on their own, do they? Seeing a person, knowing them. You'll never forget that, will you Light-kun? It'll stay in your memory forever, and you'll _never_ wash that away."

"Of course I won't forget," Light growled. "Because I've been wishing for that moment to come for _months_. And when it does, I'll smile."

"From behind your desk." Another prolonged silence made uncomfortable from Light's incessant playing with L's hair. "You're a coward," he said, fidgeting.

"You should conserve your energy," Light smiled.

.X.

L turned his head away and said curtly, "Don't."

"You're grouchy today, L," Light laughed as he put down his hand. "Something wrong?"

L glowered at him. "You're _starving _me, of course something is wrong."

"I seem to recall offering you a good meal in return for your name," he grinned, bringing up his hadn again to toy with L's hair. "You keep refusing."

"Stop touching me." After a long enough period that L had begun to protest again, Light complied.

.X.

"What day is it?"

"Why the sudden interest?"

"I've lost track of time."

"Hm."

.X.

Some days Light would give L a single spoon or fork full of whatever meal he was eating. Other days he'd take out a still steaming dish and leave it on the table just out of L's reach for hours at a time.

On one such day, as L stared at the wilted plant in the corner of the room, he mumbled, "What was Light-kun like before he became Kira? No human could have made the Death Note, so... He was given it? He found it? He used it for some reason, though. Perhaps it _did _seem noble in the beginning. But evil makes things ugly, always." He lifted his head, a motion that was once again becoming difficult, to look at Light. "Light-kun must have been very nice to know before, but now Light-kun is ugly."

.X.

L squirmed the little bit his bonds allowed out of the way of Light's approaching hand. "Why do you keep touching me? It's uncomfortable."

"You're the most interesting person I've ever met. It's a shame we can't agree on all of this, really," he said as his hand traced L's jaw and down his neck to his collar bone. "Out of the many people I've encountered, I don't think anyone's come as close to being my equal as you." His thumb rubbed along L's Adam's apple.

"Stop."

His fingers rested on a vein in L's neck. "Your pulse is quickened. Are you afraid, L?" For the first time that day, Light looked straight into L's eyes. "I hope you are."

.X.

"You're suffering, L."

"..." He nodded slowly.

"You know this can only end in one of two ways: You die quickly or you die slowly. What do you think you're accomplishing here?"

"..."

"You can still die with what little dignity you have left. If you want, I can make it painless. I'll show you the details before writing your name. Is that a fair deal?"

"..."

"You've done _nothing_ in your time here, L. You're torturing yourself for no reason. Do you enjoy this pain?"

"..." His mouth moved. "...et."

Light leaned forward. "What, L? What did you say?"

"...Nothing," his voice was a hoarse whisper. "I said nothing."

Light put a hand on L's shoulder. "It's all right. There's not a person on the world who would think any less of you. Your perserverance thus far is beyond that of any normal human's. No one would blame you."

"...No. Kira must be stopped."

"You can't stop Kira like this, L. You can't do _anything _here like this. Your life has become _meaningless_."

A shudder ran through L and Light moved closer, using his left hand to push L's head to rest on Light's shoulder until thery were stuck in a strange, one-sided hug.

"How much longer are you going to starve yourself? It can't be pleasant in any way. Please, I hate seeing you this way. If you don't end this for _your_ sake, do it for mine. It hurts having to talk to a skeleton every day." He rubbed L's shoulder and back. "Please L, I hate seeing my greatest friend suffer like this."

"...I think I," L paused as he gathered his words. "I think I truly _hate _Kira," he said at last, lifting his head. "For turning Light-kun into a monster."

.X.

"Who are you tonight?" was usually met with a different answer each time. The words themselves were useless - the teen's eyes, tone and body language a much bigger clue.

Tonight, Light's mouth said, "I am who I've always been," but his eyes brightly showed that the feral Kira-beast was hunting.

L shivered, teeth clicking. Light...Kira? took his blanket, folded it, and laid it in the corner of the room.

.X.

As L shuffled his way back from the restroom a wave of dizziness made him stumble, and he hit the cement floor hard. Light casually kneeled by him, poking and moving him, looking for blood that would need to be washed away. His fingers trailed over L's arms and moved to his ribs.

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes," he answered. "Stop." Light continued to press, touch and poke. "_Stop_, Light-kun."

"...No," Light said as his hand slid under L's shirt, fingers grazing each protruding rib. His mouth moved silently as he counted, and slowly he began to rub.

"_Stop it_," L hissed, and the severity of his tone caused Light to look at him, seeming to come out of a haze. He drew his hand back and quickly hefted L to his feet, leading him to his chair.

Light was unusually silent the rest of that night, and spent the remainder of his time there avoiding looking at L.

.X.

"Do you even taste it?" Light asked as he watched L eat. "Doubtful. It could be rotten and you wouldn't know until you spit it back up. Maybe I'll test that."

.X.

"How did Light-kun become Kira? How did he obtain the Death Note?"

"It was on the sidewalk. I just happened to pick it up before anyone else. A good thing, too," he added as an afterthought. "In the wrong hands the Death Note could be a terrible thing." He typed a few letters on his keyboard and watched the screen change. "How did L become a detective?"

"Something I was born into, I suppose."

"There have been other 'L's' before?"

"...No. I'm the first."

"Hm..."

"What has happened to the investigation?"

"No real progress has been made, but give anyone some encouraging words and they'll keep going as though there's hope," he smiled. "Soon... Perhaps soon they'll realize it's a lost cause. If Yagami Light sees no way to win, neither will they." He scribbled a name or two into his book. "Have you had any interesting dreams?"

"I don't believe I've slept this past week. My stomach has kept me awake." He paused a moment and continued, "Half an aspirin would cause little nausea. You know this, Light-kun. Don't be sadistic."

"...Perhaps tomorrow."

.X.

His head low, chin to chest, hair in his eyes, it really _did_ need more than just a trim, it was quite long, and maybe _that's_ why Light-kun plays and pulls and pets and twists it, he _hopes _that's why because otherwise is a frightening thought tied up in a chair.

His thin bones protruding, no fat left, muscles waning, no padding so every step, twitch, fall, push and poke _hurt_ more than it should and maybe _that's _why Light-kun rubs and touches and feels and caresses so that he can see if maybe something is split or broken, maybe _that's_ why, he _hopes_ that's why because otherwise is a frightening thought tied up in a chair.

There's nothing _but_ otherwise when Light-kun holds and whispers and touches and brushes lips against his and writes 'peaceful' in the second line and says "Like I promised, for me, for your friend?" and breathes close and warm and covers with the blanket and holds and touches and hugs and rubs and a small scrap of meat between lips between a disturbing, wrong, terrifying chaste kiss that scares him even more than dying slow and cold and alone and scares him more than his mind which he can't rely on because the apples still float and bob and disappear and Light-kun is a _terrifying_ thought a _terrifying_ figure tied up in a chair.

And here L is in the prescence of a god, fierce and frightening ruling over life and death and toying with his life threatening to end it with careful even giddy strokes of the pen, threatening to end it with low, scared, cowardous, vengeful time spent away, far away for days and days until nothing rmained but bone. And here L trembles not from hunger not from insomnia not of his slow death but the realization that someone could be so removed from all of humanity, could become this, could control and rule and judge with no emotion. It was justice in the cruelest, sickest, most twisted definition of the word.

Sometimes, Kira would lean in closely, whisper in his ear, "Does this man deserve to live? He's killed and raped and stole, does this man deserve life? All of the lives he's ruined, what would his punishment be in a courtroom, L? Would he have gotten a life sentence? Execution? What judge would be lenient with a man this evil?" Questions and questioning not letting go of his rough ripping grip on his hair pulling and twisting until he croaked an answer that Kira would laugh at. "_No one_ would give such a sentence, L. You're making a fool of yourself." And Kira would write down the name and show the next person whose crimes were worse than the last, and another and another and L could say nothing because agreeing with Kira was _agreeing with Kira_.

Kira, no feral, now a monster would reach out and touch his face and neck with all of Light-kun's gentleness and say "I know you think I'm right. You would judge them the same as I would because you're like me, you're _like me_, L," and his face would touch L's and he'd whisper, "would you _really_ have done anything different?" and in a sudden motion he ripped the tape off L's fingers and shoved the pen in his hand and wrap his hand around it and place the Note under it and force L's hand to carve the name of the worst of the worst into the Note and he'd let go of his painful strong grip and the pen would clatter to the ground a terrible, deafening sound as Kira came so close, closer, _sat_ on his lap and touched and rubbed and kissed and pulled up his shirt and pulled at his hair all of it painful while L frozen, shocked and very, very far away from what hurt was a _murderer_, _prayed_ he was not a murderer, _prayed_ it didn't, couldn't, _would not_ work that way.

From his small, quiet little place far, far away from Kira touching and hurting _someone else, someone not him, not L,_ he felt his _not his, not his, **not mine, not my**_ hand touch the Note pages and saw a terrible, laughing, grinning shadow and from his small, quiet little place far, far away he felt his heart pound furiously and he stopped praying and wondered if souls were real and if he was dying and if these two devils these two death-gods were going to take him with them to a hell that would burn forever because he _murdered _and do good gods really exist and could they _would they_ help or did he deserve it for secretly, silently agreeing that the man whose name was forcefully written onto the Note on the floor should have died? Was he evil?

Light, from his seat on L's lap, looked down upon the trembling, wheezing, sobbing man and smiled.

.X.

.X.

.X.

.X.

L slowly brought himself out of his small, quiet place far, far away but did not return to the shivering, disheveled body tied to the chair just yet. Not yet affected by the ever-present hunger and fatigue he sat in front of himself and inspected and looked and thought.

"Your first priority," he told the shivering body, hoping he was listening. "Is to regain your self-control. Keep your mind _and_ body in check, L. Calm down and look at things objectively again. From there you can begin to plan."

He was vaguely aware of Kira-Light entering the room, poking at the tiny figure, saying something he could not yet hear, and pouring water into his mouth.

.X.

L realized three things upon waking. The first was that everything hurt. The second, he was already drifting back into a deep sleep. And the third was that Kira-Light looked nervous about something.

.X.

With Light, however, L could see fear poorly hidden in his eyes. He mentioned this.

"What do I have to fear, L?" he laughed unconvincingly. "I'm not the one dying."

"Everyone is dying, Light-kun. You are included."

The grinning shadow laughed at this.

Light scowled. "Yesterday you were a quivering, comatose wreck. What changed?"

L thought for a moment. "I'm no longer afraid of you, Light-kun, or Kira. And I'm not afraid of dying here."

"So you're admitting defeat? Accepting your fate?"

He shook his head. "Quite the opposite. I'm not afraid of dying here because I am nearly ninety-six percent certain that I will not."

"Is that so?" Light said in a low, dangerous voice.

"Kira, Light-kun... Both of them have such great pride. Neither _wants_ to kill me in such a low, dirty way. It would do nothing for your ego; you wouldn't relish a victory won in such a way. I suspect it would seem like cheating to you.

"You want to rip my name from me, screaming. That's why you'll continue to keep me alive. And that will be _your_ end as well, Light-kun. The longer you keep me alive, the greater chance you have of being caught. I'm positive some of the policemen are suspicious of your actions. You must have determined this by now as well. But your pride won't allow you to kill me in any other way than through your Death Note, and _that _is why I have no fear."

Light clenched his jaw as the shadow chuckled, a guttoral sound. The teen slowly gathered his possessions and exited, lights off, door locked. The shadow stayed behind for a moment, eyes glowing brightly despite the dark, then silently disappeared.

.X.

Light's visitation times since then were dramatically shortened, rarely longer than an hour or so. When not helping him drink or leading him to the restroom, Light avoided contact, instead preferring to sit in the chair by the desk, hands folded, and think. Kira too avoided L, though he occasionally shot a glare that seemed to say, "hurry up and die already." To this L would glance at him, shrug, and pretend to turn his attention to something more interesting than this silent temper tantrum.

The other twenty-three hours of L's day were spent in darkness, not something he truly minded, though it did make the room much colder. During this time he went over every twitch, grimace and muttered curse the teen had made, weighing them against the previous day's actions. Ivariably, and unsurprisingly, Light was becoming more nervous, more fearful, after each day.

For the first time in ages, L smiled.

.X.

"Do you _want_ to die like this?" he asked as he paced the floor.

"No, Light-kun."

He walked closer and stared down at L. "How can you be so confident with death so close?" he growled, then turned away, pacing again.

"Do you enjoy seeing me like this, L?"

"No. Knowing that Light-kun is Kira has never brought me happiness, nor has his frustrations. While I no longer can bring myself to like you, or enjoy your company anymore, Light-kun was still my first friend."

"I've never been your friend."

"...I know."

.X.

"..." And later, "But do you think... we ever could have..?"

"..."

.X.

"This is the last time you'll see me, L. I'm not coming back."

"Kira is soon to be discovered, then?"

"...There's a slim chance I'll be captured. I just need to work out the last of the details, though, and that chance will be eliminated." He stared into L's eyes. "You probably won't be found before you die."

"Leaving things to chance is very unlike you."

.X.

"I don't think you ever answered me, Light-kun," L said as Light fussed with his hair. "About why you continue to touch me."

"...I _hate_ you," he said finally. He abruptly stood and placed several large bottles of water on the table. As he placed a long straw in each he said, "Ration yourself, L. Or don't. It'll only prolong your death anyway."

"...If I do die here, will you be able to live with yourself. It _will_ be murder, even in your eyes, Light-kun. Your Death Note will have played no part, and it is _your_ hands that will be stained. _Can you live with that_?"

The teen was silent, and for perhaps the first time, he seemed small. He cupped L's face in one hand and stared into his eyes, seeming to search for something. Seeing nothing but the familiar intense, distant stare he backed away.

"Don't you _dare_ turn me into a murderer," he said, then exited.

.X.

.X.

.X.

He felt his blood pound in his head as he wriggled and pulled against his bindings. While the tape loosened slightly, the rope remained knotted. He grimaced and stared at the door, willing someone, _anyone_ to come in.

.X.

.X.

* * *

Now caught in a waltz  
With the eternal dancer  
I'm courted by death  
-Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Beethoven's Last Night, What is Eternal 


	3. Part Three

Captive  
-Seshennu

PART THREE

You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power. - Aleksander I. Solzhenitsyn

We humans are fragile and mortal. But even if we are wounded or tortured, we'll fight to live and survive. - Gutts, Berserk

* * *

.X.

.X.

And his eyes saw faces his mind couldn't identify as icy cold water was poured into his mouth.

.X.

He felt a sudden relief as all the ropes and tape were cut away. Soon after, he felt as though fiery needles were piercing every inch of his body, and his vision went black.

.X.

He was lying on his back on something soft, with white, warm blankets covering him.

.X.

His new room was very white, with loudly beeping machines all around his bed. From the corner of his eye he saw a familiar, friendly face.

"Where," he began, voice rasping.

"In a hospital, L. You're going to be fine."

He shook his head. "Where is Yagami Light? He -"

"Yagami Light has fled the country."

At this L struggled to sit up, to stand, to leave, to do anything but

"Rest, L," and he was gently pushed back onto his pillow. L opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted. "There will be time later. You must rest now."

The gentle, worried, caring eyes and tone were still enough to stop him, and he settled into the pillow, and allowed his eyes to close. Under the vigilant guard of Watari, he slept peacefully.

.X.

.X.

.X.

.X.

.X.

The wind whipped his hair and sent a chill down his spine. He looked down at the small grouping of gravestones. No one who had entered L's headquarters, save for himself and Watari had been spared.

As he looked upon them, no words came to mind, no questions or final thoughts or anything else that was said to happen at times like this. He waited a moment, unsure, and fidgeted with his clothes - sizes smaller than his old ones.

His phone rant quietly. He flipped it open and heard Watari's voice.

"An individual with a strong resemblance to Yagami Light was just spotted in a small town in France. I have a feeling this one is legitimate."

L nodded - Watari was not so far away that he couldn't see the motion - and returned to his car without a backwards glance.

As the thin layer of snow crunched under his untied shoes, he thought of Yagami Light and Kira and the anonymous message giving the address of L's prison that had been sent by urgent, over-night mail.

"You too," he murmured. "Are the most interesting person I've ever met."

---

It is bitter to lose a friend to evil, before one loses him to death. - Mary Renault

END

* * *

Author's Notes: The original version of this story was written in a frenzied writing period from approximately 2:30pm until 11:37pm on Feb 1, 2007. The end result was ten sheets of looseleaf bearing a story much shorter than this, and rather painful to read. But we're not getting into that. I was just going to do a simple proofreading the next day. More than two months later, I'm pretty sure I'm finished. This rewrite was a terrible, long, hair-pulling, time-consuming project. And I'm really glad I did it. :3 

If you've come this far without gouging out your eyes with a spork to relieve yourself of the pain, thanks. I hope you've enjoyed this. Feedback of any kind is always welcomed.

Finally finished,  
April 6, 2007, 1:23am (written)  
April 8, 2007, 12:06pm (typed)

Top-Secret Update: June 1, 2007: I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now. I'll probably end up continuing this after all. My profile has more details.  
Top-Secret Update: June 9, 2007: There is now an audio recording of this fic available for you to download and listen to, should you want to. If you're interested, check my profile for details.


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